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But hear me out. Today is SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! and as much as I couldn’t give a fuck (or even know who’s playing), I have often wondered what people (and by “people,” I mean “men”) would talk about if there were no sports. Imagine the office party and no one could say “So, can you believe the Patriots made it to the Super Bowl?” then list statistics and plays and players and all the cal.

I wonder. My son is a sports fool (and I say that lovingly) and I have to admit I don’t quite understand his obsessive card collecting and statistic logging he does when he really should be trying to go to sleep. But, being a fairly loving dad, I tried (yes, actually tried) to understand. And I realised he logs home runs the way I (in my stinky teens) logged kills by Jason in the Friday the 13th films. His card collecting is no different than the Star Wars (specifically The Empire Strikes Back) card collecting (there was gum back then) I did when I was ten.

What I’m getting at is that I’d love to see a world where sports was replaced by film. Where teams were replaced by genres. Where the Jeters and Jordans were replaced by Scorseseseses and Lynches. Where home runs were replaced by box office. RBI’s by ROI’s. Fantasy Football by Fantasy Mogul.