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So, smack dab in the middle of my “vacation” is Halloween, my single favorite holiday of all. I mean, how could I not love a holiday based on ghouls, goblins, horror and scaring the fuck outta people. So, I spent about 3 hours today, 3 hours that I could have been getting ahead of the curve on finishing the DVD, to decorate the front of the house so it’d be spooky cool for all the trick-or-treaters. I went pretty much all out. Strobe light, pumpkins (about 10), tombstones, orange and black candles burning on a red-draped table with chains, lots of magenta lights, zombie signs, caution tape, all sorts of spooky shit… and put a chair out front to sit in while my wife to the kids around.

So there I sat, bowl of candy to the side, decapitated skull at my feet, orange lights draping the chair in which i sat and watched Friday the 13th – The Final Chapter on my Mac Book to hopefully give some creepy aural vibe to the awesome landscape I’d created and entertain me between visitors.

This was the first time I’d stayed at home. I’d always taken the kids around, house to house, alternately yelling at each of them when they ran into the street, coming home to hear my wife tell of all the cool costumes and happy kids that came by. So, I was thrilled that this was going to be my turn to sit at home, amidst the cool decorations – did I mention the strobe light and the candles? oh, and the creepy ghoul poster on the front door? – and be able to sit there and enjoy all the fun of the kids coming up with their parent-prodded “trick-or-treat” and “thank you.”

i even blasted the Halloween theme from the car taking the kids to school and picking them up in the hopes that pedestrians would hear it and know… this is mother-fuckin’ HALL-O-WEEN!

guess what.

over the span of 90 dull-as-fuck minutes (i know, because that’s how long the movie was) i saw a maximum of 15 trick-or-treates. 15. about 8 single kids. a group of 5. oh, and my own two.



But guess what! The street just perpendicular to ours, just five house up… well, according to my wife, there were hundreds of kids. Cool houses with fog machines. Everyone screaming and running. Huge amounts of mother-fuckin’ Halloween happiness that just didn’t seem to make it my way.


So, my wife came home with the kids. Checked their candy. I pulled the plug and killed the lights (oh, I forgot about the huge inflatable pumpkin – that fucker died too), came inside and got drunk because this was supposed to be my night… MY night. and I got screwed over because we were five houses away from really cool shit.

So, now I’m left with a shitload of candy – which the kids don’t really even eat candy. I gotta spend another hour or so cleaning up the crap tomorrow. And this was probably the suckiest Halloween ever. All the build up. No payoff.

I may go Michael Myers on this fuckin’ neighborhood.